Jan. 16 2009

I had a big fight with my mom today. Now, I am feeling bad yet I still don't want to give in. I don't want to apologize to her because it was she that started the fight with me. I said something very cruel to her during the fight to hurt her feelings purposely. I did it because she first hurt me. A tiny mistake or negligence, through her malicious and sour words, can always turn into an unforgivable sin. Everytime when I make a mistake due to my carelessness, I, as a daughter, will be denied in all respects. I admit that I am not very obedient and understanding as a daughter. However, when every mistake caused by my carelessness is explained by my mother as the consequence of my unconcern for my family, I can't accept this accusation and don't want to tolerate her scolding, and so I will fight back. When I start to fight back, always with feelings that have been hurt very badly, I will unavoidably use some piercing words to deliberately hurt her. And then, she will say more devastating words to hurt me in return. Our relationship is sometimes like a vicious circle which never ends and become worse and worse. I know if I wait a few more seconds before I burst out cursing, the fight will end soon and my mother's anger will be relieved after she let her cursing words flow. But it's really hard to control my own anger and not to defend when falsely accused. And if I succeed in controling my anger and try to defend in a calm way, she still doesn't listen and just goes on her curse. Then, I will get really pissed off and then the fight will be a fierce and destructive one. Sometimes, I think maybe it is not until I move out that I can really get out of this deadlock of the relationship with my mom. And today, I really said to her that I didn't want to live with her anymore, which really hurt her feelings. But, actually, as soon as I said these words, I felt regret because she might have interpreted my words as my reluctance to take care of her and even worse, my eagerness to abandon her. What should I do???!!!